WANDERLUST: THE BERMUDA SECRET – WHERE GOOGLE MAPS GOES TO DIE AND YOUR SANITY FOLLOWS​
(Free trial! Then u gotta pay $5 to “unlock” the Bermuda Triangle u already saw in conspiracy YouTube videos. No cap.)

​TL;DR (BECAUSE U CAN’T BE BOTHERED TO READ 10 PAGES)​​

Play as a washed-up marine biologist who gets sucked into the Bermuda Triangle after a Wi-Fi signal glitch. Fight rogue metal spiders, solve puzzles harder than your ex’s breakup excuses, and discover the island’s secret: it’s just a metaphor for your midlife crisis. Spoiler: The real villain is your caffeine addiction.

WHY PLAY? (SPOILER: U WON’T)​​

• ​​“Unique” Story: You’ve spent years studying the ocean, but this is your grand finale? A metal spider named Steve chases u while u collect seashells for clout. “I’ll just Venmo the Kraken!”
• ​Puzzle Hell: Find hidden objects so obvious, they’re hidden in plain sight (like that starfish u didn’t notice). “Is this a clue or a cry for help?”
• ​Survivor Drama: Battle other castaways who’re just mad their TikTok challenges flopped. “Happy holidays, indeed!”

FEATURES (OR LIES THEY SOLD U)​​

​1. “Epic” Plot Twist​

• Play as Dr. Chad McGeek, a scientist who’s never seen Stranger Things but’s now fighting interdimensional metal spiders. “I’ll just Google ‘how to survive the Bermuda Triangle’!”
• Collectibles galore! Assemble a “magic compass” that’s just a reskin of ur mom’s old phone charger. “Worth every second!”

​2. “Challenging” Mini-Games​

• Solve puzzles that require more luck than brains. “If I click this barnacle 100x, will it summon a UFO?”
• Stealth sections where u hide behind a palm tree while metal spiders nap. “Thrilling!”

​3. “Rewards” That Suck​

• Bonus chapter: Save the island by… playing Candy Crush. “Mind-blowing!”
• Unlock a “magic” life jacket that does nothing but float ur hopes. “Peasant tier!”

WHY IT’S A SINKING SHIP (BUT U’LL STILL PLAY)​​

• ​No Paywall? Lie.​​ Hints cost $5. “Just grind for 10hrs instead! We’ll wait.”
• ​Glitches Galore: The metal spiders AI naps 90% of the time. “I’ll screenshot this for TikTok!”
• ​Logic? Nah: The magic compass is hidden under the game’s loading screen. “Plot armor beats science!”

HOW TO LOSE HOURS (AND SANITY)​​

1. ​Farm Barnacles: Collect 50 barnacles to unlock a “secret” achievement. “But first, insulin!”
2. ​Overthink Clues: Stare at a barnacle for 20 mins wondering if it’s a metaphor for ur toxic ex.
3. ​Buy the “Full Game”​: Already did? Too bad! The “full” game is just more spiders and seashells.

​DOWNLOAD NOW!​​
(But don’t blame us when ur life becomes a grindy loop of metal spiders, caffeine crashes, and buyer’s remorse.)

DEV NOTES:

• Made by interns who hate the ocean.
• Art stolen from a 2017 Discovery Channel documentary. “We added glitter! It’s ‘mystical’!”
• Testing team quit after Week 1. “We’re not paid enough to fight metal spiders.”