Genshin Impact – WHERE YOU’LL SPEND 100 HOURS LOOKING FOR YOUR SIBLING AND 0 TIME ACTUALLY HAVING FUN​
(Free-to-play (but we’ll guilt trip u into buying a “legendary” sword named “Chad’s Spatula”))

TL;DR (BECAUSE U CAN’T BE BOTHERED TO READ ALL THIS DRAMA)​​

Play as a lost twin who’s been napping for 1,000 years in a world where gods are basic, elements are basic, and the only thing that’s not basic is your mom’s facepalm when she sees your gaming receipts. Spoiler: The real boss is your caffeine addiction.

WHY PLAY? (SPOILER: U WON’T)​​

• ​​“Epic” Lore: Explore Teyvat, a realm where seven gods are as useful as a screen door on a submarine. “I’ll just Google ‘how to beat this boss’!”
• ​Elemental BS: Mix fire + water = steam. Congrats, you’ve invented fog! Now go fight a boss who’s just a sentient Roomba. “Victory is a placebo!”
• ​Open World? More Like Open Prison: Climb every mountain, swim every river, but good luck finding a decent toilet in this hellhole!

FEATURES (OR LIES THEY SOLD U)​​

​1. “Dynamic” Weather (A.K.A. A Looping GIF)​​

• Enjoy 24/7 weather that’s just a broken PowerPoint transition. “Is it raining? Nope, that’s just my tears.”
• “Real-time” day/night cycle that’s stuck on “eternal sunset” because devs hate fun.

​2. “Strategic” Combat (A.K.A. Spam Fireballs)​​

• Use Pyro to light campfires, then Cryo to freeze your latte. “Elemental synergy? More like ‘I need sleep.’”
• Boss fights where the only strategy is spamming the same skill 100x. “GG EZ, no cap!”

​3. “Hilarious” Companions (A.K.A. NPCs Who Hate You)​​

• Recruit Venti, a bard who’s just here to sell you overpriced merch. “Buy my CD! It’s ‘edgy’!”
• Paimon, your guide, who’s low-key a Karen. “Can u repeat that? I wasn’t listening!”

​WHY IT’S A SINKING SHIP (BUT U’LL STILL PLAY)​​

• ​No Paywall? Lie.​​ Want a “legendary” weapon? Pay $5! “It’s just a reskin of a spatula!”
• ​Server Meltdowns: Lag spikes so bad, your horse teleports to the boss arena. “I’ll screenshot this for Twitter!”
• ​Logic? Nah: The final boss is a dragon that’s just a glorified Roomba. “GG, I guess?”

HOW TO LOSE HOURS (AND SANITY)​​

1. ​Farm Primogems: Grind 100 hours for a sword that does 0.5 damage. “Victory is a scam!”
2. ​Join Co-op: Team up with players who AFK farm potatoes. “This is fun, right?”
3. ​Buy the “Full Game”​: Already did? Too bad! The “full” game is just more grind and microtransactions.

DOWNLOAD NOW!​​
(But don’t blame us when ur life becomes a grindy loop of elemental BS, caffeine crashes, and buyer’s remorse.)

DEV NOTES:

• Made by interns who hate weekends.
• Art stolen from a 2005 MMORPG. “We added glitter! It’s ‘epic’!”
• Testing team quit after Week 1. “We’re not paid enough to deal with Venti’s merch demands.”